Going Out


I bought a skirt last week: knee-length, pleated, black, and when teamed with a roll-neck jumper it makes me look like someone from the telly; specifically, "Velma", the brainy one from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Now, I've always felt somewhat betrayed by Scooby-Doo. It led you to the belief that being a chubby but intelligent teenager meant that you were accepted and valued by your peers rather than tormented and ridiculed. But, I digress. I bought this damn skirt. Now why, you wonder, would I buy the thing if it's so incredibly unflattering? Well, it's been purchased with a specific purpose in mind; which is to provide easier access and quick cover up while my honey and I are going for it in the movie theatre.

Hmm. I don't know about this. He's all worked up about the idea, but personally I'm dubious. Apart from the strong possibilities of amusing usherettes and confusing Catholic schoolboys (not to mention getting time off work later on for the court case), I'm not sure he's really thought about the practicalities of the venture. The last time he did this sort of thing, I gather, is more than ten years ago. Since then some utter pratt has gone and put armrests on cinema seats, haven't they! And since the things are actually useless as armrests (there's never enough room for your arm and that of the person next to you), I can't help but wonder if they were really installed purely as a deterrent for people like us. Hmm.

It's been suggested that we get around this problem by putting my back to him and, with appropriate maneuverings, sit in his lap. Bears consideration. Aside from making it easier to get up and run if we see a torch and uniform approaching, I'd be facing the screen, and having a twenty-foot tall Val Kilmer or Tom Cruise staring moodily down at me can only help the experience! (I don't think I'll mention that to my sweetie....)

If fun away from the home fires appeals to you though, there are better, and safer, places to go than the cinema. Each one does, however, incorporate a few minor problems. For example if you've any intention of making your own waves down at the beach, please remember to take a big towel or blanket with you. Not so much to cover yourselves up as to put underneath. I mean, have you ever noticed how thoroughly beach sand adheres to your feet when they're wet? And, as swimmers will know, the horrible stuff doesn't give a brass razoo exactly which bit of you is actually wet! Invasive sand can set up a lot of the wrong kind of friction, and trust me girls, blood on your knickers once a month is quite enough!

In greener and more forested locales like the local park, pine needles and grass seeds can make life difficult, but once again a blanket beneath you can alleviate the problem. Of more concern here, in fact worth considering in all outdoor adventures, are the other inhabitants. The multilegged variety. Playful dogs can wreak havoc at all sorts of inconvenient moments. If you want to spoil a mood, try looking up past your lover's shoulder and seeing a frantically territorial possum galloping madly up and down a branch, fur all puffed up, trying desperately to frighten you away!

Less amusing are the smaller invaders - the insects. Ants are never happy to stay under your blanket, unless you're under there too, and bees and wasps threaten a nasty sting, but the most annoying of all are the mosquitos. If you like spankings then slapping the damn things away might be kinda fun, but believe me, nothing combines horror and hilarity quite like the sight of a mozzie nonchalantly preparing to sink the proboscis into the head of a straining erection, and the little sods have no respect for the sanctity of an unperforated condom! By the way, condoms are actually a pretty good idea in these situations. Even if you're in a long term relationship and you're not really needing them at home, taking some with you when you're "out" is a good thing. Their primary physical function is to keep semen contained, and unless you fancy sticky thighs all the way home (or are en route to somewhere else), using a condom to minimise mess is worth considering. Just don't leave them lying around - dispose of them properly!

Nearly everyone's heard of the Mile High Club. For those who haven't, it's a colloquial term for those who've had sex in an aeroplane - while it's in the air, of course. I must admit I haven't tried this one yet (have you seen the price of airfares these days?), but I would imagine that international flights offer more opportunities than domestic. However, squeezing into the plane toilet cubicle, probably the safest (read, "least likely to get actually caught") method, might be a bit of a turn-off. Let's face it: screwing on the toilet? Seems a bit tacky to me. So maybe the best bet is to get a late night flight and snuggle up in your seats - and sometimes, the armrests there fold back too!

Of course, there's always the old standby - the car or van. Used by teenagers for decades, the car combines semi-privacy, wind and cold protection (weather being another potential hiccup of the great outdoors), and an immediate mode of escape should any objecting party appear on the scene. The downside is that your average vehicle can tend to be a bit on the cramped side - they're only built to hold one person to a seat, remember. This is a problem that's led to the popularity of panel vans - "Shaggin' Wagons" as they're sometimes known. Depending on the make and model, it's generally possible to incorporate at least a single bed mattress in the back of one of these vans which combined with the factors mentioned above makes them a pretty good idea for those of a "travelling" bent.

My honey - yes, 'Mr Cinema' - has a white Ford utility that he uses for work. It has a six-foot-plus tray, appointed with carry bars that stand across the front and back to carry longer loads if need be. It's possible, we theorise, to throw a futon mattress into the tray and go to a drive in - or anywhere else - but I think I'll draw the line at the silk scarves attached to the mounting (how appropriate) points of the carry bars!

There's a lot of variation to be found once you move nookie out of the bedroom - concerts, railway yards, garden sheds - use your imagination, but remember: it IS illegal. Yes. Full stop. For some the risk of getting caught is titillating, but remember to consider that it might not be some innocent passer-by that spies you, it could be the police. And also remember that innocent passers-by have rights too. If you can't (or mistakenly don't) keep yourselves out of other people's way, please try to be a little discreet about it. Sure, they can look the other way and mind their own business, but only if your behaviour allows them to. For example, the crowd at the picnic ground might have the grace to ignore the pair of you behind a nearby tree, but you repeatedly screaming "Oh God, YES!!!" from behind said tree makes that just a wee bit difficult!

Okay, end of lecture.

Go on out and have fun!